Social Pressure

What people think, is more important than what I think. Well, no, I don’t agree with that statement at all. However, I have noticed, in my experience, that a lot of Jews do feel this way and do think this way. It’s very sad to see this. Very sad to see observant people transgress when in private and the only fear being that of what their neighbors may think, if they were seen/caught. This is what I saw in my home. This is how my parents had acted. This hypocrisy disgusted me tremendously.

My mother would conform and dress appropriately when going out (the shaitel, the long sleeves,skirt,etc.), but in the house she would wear un-tzniosdik clothing. My father used to turn lights on and off, but he’d go to Shul every Shabbos dressed appropriately looking like an Orthodox Jew. My Bais Yaakov classmates would go to school dressed with the long skirt (an extra five inches below the knee as per the rule of the school), but as soon as they were somewhere far from the school and its rebbetzins, up would go the skirt just touching the knee or a bit over. A good Jewish bet Yaakov girl on the outside, when the Rebbetzin’s would see you, but when out and about it didn’t matter.

It’s all about how you appear to everyone. Doesn’t matter that there’s this thing called “Lashon Hara” and one should not speak such… one will definitely talk and talk if in public you are seen doing something that’s a big no-no. To be the talk of the town (or community), is a horrid thing. Unless, of course, it’s due to a huge celebration/mazal tov. Otherwise, you try to do exactly what is expected of you, be that good little girl or boy and do all you can to make your parents proud so that if there is any talk about you, it’s the good kind talk.

The first thing I heard from my father when he found out that I was going to leave the derech and be with a non-Jewish boy, was “What will everyone say!?” It went on with something like this: How dare I disgrace the family, how dare I be with someone who ate Chazeer (pig), how dare I put my family into an early grave. And all this due to my actions. One man’s (or woman’s) actions affect the whole family. The sins of the father, are the sins of the child and the sins of the child will become the sins of the father. It’s a stigma, forever disgracing, humiliating the family even though THEY have not done anything wrong. Because of my actions, my want to think for myself, lead my own life, be my own person, I have shamed my family, I have placed a horrible, and indelible stain upon them and they suffer because of me. That is the most horrible burden that I must carry for all of eternity –or so I am told.

And yes, to a degree I felt and still do feel guilty. I realize logically that this is an incorrect way of thinking and that my own actions should not affect them and nor should I be punished for deciding to live my own life the way I choose to do so. But it doesn’t make it any easier knowing that the loshon hara spoken, regardless of whether it’s wrong, does indeed affect my sister to this day. She suffered horribly in school because of me. As did my brothers. It’s incredibly unfair that they should have to suffer, yet the social pressure in Judaic society is likened to law and if one digresses from the proper road one is required to travel, then all hell breaks loose on the whole family. I not only speak in regards to my own experiences, and that of my family’s, but of those others that I know of that have left the derech and have not only suffered for this, but have had their families suffer too.

Social pressure. One cannot follow the beat of their own drummer in Judaism. The beat/the rhythm is always the same, and one must always follow in the same direction when it comes to Judaism. But I, I chose a different beat, and am choosing to be the drummer, taking the path of my own choosing and making the journey count for me.