Frustrated

Incredibly so.

I can't quite put into words the whole of it. I feel so helpless and it's frustrating as all heck.

Relationship with my family feels strained. I don't think it's any one particular thing that I could pinpoint as the cause. Perhaps it's many small, seemingly insignificant things, that all add up and amount to this huge annoying factor. Perhaps it's nothing new and it's always been there but I was better capable at dismissing it and moving beyond it. Lately, though, it seems really really hard to just let it go.

Thing is, I can't. I just cannot let it go. I can't tell you it doesn't bother me hearing my sister say things like "It's all in Hashem's hands." Stating no action on her part is required and all will work out. I can't tell you that's ok to be let down by my parents time and again. I can't tell you it's nice to hear how much of a relationship they have with their other children and grandchild. I can't tell you I feel good being lied to, or feel OK with hearing the hypocrisy of it all. I just can't. I, unlike the righteous people, won't lie. And yes, they don't lie but that's THE lie. They don't see that they are!

And perhaps I am making absolutely no sense whatsoever, but I am so weary of it all. I am so tired of putting on a happy face and not being able to just be me. I am so weary of the lies, the hypocracy, of being let down time and again. I am tired of being required, obligated even, to do for them and if I do not, it's a sin. And yet, they can't even acknowledge their own actions are less than desired. They can't acknowledge that I do not exist within the confines of their community so the rules don't apply to ME. Because everyone is doing it, I should be able to do it, too. And yet, how many times as a little girl did I hear that idiotic phrase of "if they all choose to jump off the bridge..." Hypocrites.