Fears Firm Grip

Fear of what people will say...

Fear of what God will do...

Fear of hell...

Many seek out the comfort that religion offers.  The feeling of "everything will be ok" if one believes in the almighty God who watches over and protects.  The feeling that everything happens for a reason.  That God only gives what He knows one can handle so that this, too, shall pass and that one will indeed overcome this trial.  The feeling that one is not alone within a community that comes together in prayer and comfort when a tragedy occurs.  Having the safety-net of a community brings about a feeling of great serenity and security.  Who wouldn't want to feel that??  Who wouldn't want to be surrounded by a community that looks out for each other?

But it can also single-handedly bring about a great form of fear when one does something wrong even in the privacy of their own bedroom. 

What of the individual who opposes anything?  Will lightning strike this person?  What if one were to accidentally turn on a light on the holy Shabbos?  What if you plain forgot to say a bracha before eating?  What if ...what if...  what if....    The almighty God watches every single thing a person does.  It's like Big Brother.  I sneeze and He knows it.  I think and He knows it.  Fear of retribution, of punishment, of Hell.  Fear shadowing the very heart of an individual.  This fear can grip one so strong that it can make leaving the derech mighty hard.  It can make it real hard to think for yourself, to even entertain any thought other than what is deemed appropriate. 

When I rode in a car for the first time on Shabbos, I actually felt my heart race with trepidation.  I half expected lightning to strike me down.  I even wondered if I would get into an accident that would leave me in critical condition because I dared drive on Shabbos.

When on Yom Kippur I ate, I felt guilty.  I felt like I had done something so terrible that I should be so very ashamed of myself.

These feelings passed after I took some time to try to understand the root of these perceptions.  It simply made me even angrier at the religion.  How incredibly brainwashed was I that I threw all reason out the window?  Why in the world should I feel ashamed of doing something different?  I struggled with this for some time after I left.  Reason, common sense, logic.  I couldn't find any of that within the why I felt the way I did. 

It made me feel sorrow for my sisters and those I knew who are frum.  How sad it is to live a life gripped in fear, shame, guilt.  How sad that they choose to live this way and so casually dismiss reason.